Family Vacation with an Autistic Child: Worth the Chaos?
We got back last week from a trip to sunny Mexico. The trip was... so great. Getting out of the snow and freezing temperatures, especially as an outdoor nature school teacher was incredible. But also, wow. Traveling with an autistic child isn’t always easy, and often doesn’t feel like a “vacation” at all. Meltdowns, aggression, the obsessive need to collect and acquire things everywhere we go, toileting mishaps, and general anxiety and hyperactivity all made it feel like vacation isn’t worth it. Every single day during our trip I had moments when asked myself “Why are we doing this?” and other sweet moments that felt like the answer to that question. I was genuinely asking myself, will we keep doing this? Are family vacations a thing of the past?
Since we got home from our trip, I have been thinking about whether or not vacation is worth it with neurodivergent kids from a biblical and principled perspective, not an experiential one. As I reflected, I’ve come to the conclusion that family vacationing isn’t primarily about rest and relaxation. It’s about cultivating growth, belonging, and a big view of God. Here’s what I think about vacationing with an autistic child, and why we will continue to vacation as a family even though it’s hard.
Family Vacations Cultivate Growth
Years ago I watched a documentary about Bill Gates. I honestly don’t remember what it was called, where I saw it, or really anything I learned from it. Except one thing. I remember very clearly watching an interview with one of Gates’ sisters, during which the interviewer asked her what she credited her brother’s success to. Her answer was simple: Their mother’s love which drove her to seek continuous improvement in her children. She went on to explain that yes, her brother was a brilliant, voracious reader. Yes, as he aged he demonstrated business savvy. Yes, he was passionate, and a tireless worker. But these things alone were not enough to create Bill Gates as the world knows him. His innate skill was not enough. Their mother, she said, saw what he excelled at to be sure. But she also noticed what he lacked and intentionally created opportunities in the context of the safety of family, for him to grow. His sister said that without that strategic parenting, Bill Gates would not have reached his full potential.
Audrey Wisch, of Curious Cardinals, said that “Mary Gates wasn't just raising a child; she was architecting an adult who could navigate complex social worlds, pursue ambitious goals, and maintain a strong moral compass. Mary knew her son struggled socially, so she created situations that forced gentle practice.”
For us, family vacation is one of the curated situations we use to help our autistic child find (not force!) her full potential.
I have found that traveling as family has provided many opportunities for her to cultivate both life skills and spiritual development. We want her to be able to travel, meet new people, taste new foods, and experience different cultures in her life, so we don’t allow the discomfort and frustration that traveling causes us to hold her back from developing these skills. Traveling is a very unique experience. The only way to experience and develop the skills necessary for airports, long car rides, unpredictable schedules, unfamiliar food, etc, is to do it. So we do it.
We also don’t allow her discomfort and disregulation while traveling to stop us. While this may seem to some like a trite application of James 1:2-4, the challenges of traveling also allow her to experience discomfort safely and in security. Of course we make choices about destinations and accommodations that take her abilities and disabilities into account, but being autistic makes any kind of travel challenging. A week long shift from regular routine is challenging. Considering the interests of others when sharing a small space or making choices about itinerary is challenging. Obedience in the midst of severe anxiety is challenging. But these are opportunities to help her apply what she has learned about Jesus’ will for her as well as to rely on him in the midst of uncertainty and perceived chaos. As Brett McCracken said in regards to the Christian call to travel: “A Christian might [say] that [travel] enriches our identification with Christ and draws us closer to his presence by removing status quo comforts.”
Traveling with her will, Lord willing, give her the opportunity to travel. Traveling with her will, Lord willing, make her more like Jesus. So, we travel with her.
Family Vacations Cultivate a Sense of Belonging
In her famous book, The Member of the Wedding, Carson McCullers uses the relatable character Frankie to say the following: “The trouble with me is that for a long time I have just been an I person. All people belong to a We except me. Not to belong to a We makes you too lonesome.”
Children need to know that they belong to a “We”. And in God’s design, the “We” hierarchy is first vertical: The “we” of the individual and God. Next in the hierarchy is the “we” of family. And then the “we” of the church. Spending time as a family, time that includes both laughter and tears, harmony and conflict, enjoyment and pain, rest and work, solidifies the “we” of family. As human beings, we image our “We” triune Creator by being in relationship. We were created to belong to others. If this fundamental piece of our humanity is not realized, a deep longing fills the void, and as Frankie said, it makes you lonesome. We know God designed the family to be one way that this need is met. God’s solution to the problem of being alone was to create the “we” of family— He gave Eve to Adam, and thereby started the first family. Being intentional about blocking off time to spend together as a family is not the only way to do so, but it is a surefire way to communicate of the reality of the “we” of our family, even when it is not idyllic. Reserving time to be together in the unique way that vacation allows for instills the core belief in our children that they belong.
The U.S. Travel Association made a report that reflects this biblical reality:
Adults remember vacations from a young age: 62% say their earliest memories were of family vacations taken.
Half of adults describe their memories of childhood family vacations as “very vivid.” These memories are significantly stronger than their memories of school events or birthday celebrations (34% and 31%).
Family vacations make a big impact on little minds. In a world that will teach our autistic children to feel like outsiders, traveling together as a family unit will remind them where they belong. In a society that will cultivate lonesomeness in our neurodivergent children, family vacation will cultivate a sense of belonging. When the world rejects them, quality time reinforces the reality that with us, they are seen, accepted, loved, and cherished. Quality time includes the moments of mirth and the moments of sorrow and distress. Quality time, like that spent on vacation, reinforces the idea that we belong to one another through every kind of moment.
Family Vacations Cultivate a Big View of God
Brett McCracken, in the article referenced above, has convinced me of why traveling is a “Christian activity”:
“Travel is about more than just knowing God’s goodness in our minds. It’s about seeing and tasting and feeling it in his created world, and in our fellow man… I would suggest that for a Christian, a ‘good and sufficient reason for going’ is simply this: We are God's creatures, commanded to take joy and pleasure in the multi-facetedness of his goodness (‘taste and see...’ Psalm 34:8). When there is so much of that to experience in the world, why would we want to stay home?”
God’s world is so much bigger than the little corner of the world we inhabit and interact with. God’s creativity and goodness are on display in such things as the sun rising over the ocean, sunsets over canyons, delectable culinary experiences, the dazzling variety of languages. His character is shown as we come into contact with image bearers who are different from us, and with cultures with different strengths than our own. His power is unveiled when you see a humpback whale breach, or as you bear witness to the galaxies under a vast, clear sky.
We travel with our autistic child because we want her to know God more, and His “his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, [in] the creation of the world” (Romans 1:20). As she comes to know Him by witnessing His creation, we pray that her view of Him will grow and that she will be dazzled by His glory.
Family Vacations Cultivate, Regardless of the Location and Itinerary
None of this is to say that vacationing as a neurodivergent family will look like it does for neurotypical families. None of this is to say that vacationing will look anything like what you might expect. As you vacation with a neurodiverent family, you learn what works and what doesn’t. You learn how to travel to support the objectives above, and how some versions of traveling can defeat those purposes altogether. Your family vacations may never become “easy”, but doing them will chip away at unrealistic expectations and rebuild others in beautiful ways. It is so important to remember that traveling is not a one size fits all endeavor. Some years may bring you to a local beach or campground. Some may take you to different continents. Sometimes vacationing may land you in the same location more than once; every year for a decade maybe. Growth, a sense of belonging, and a big view of God aren’t cultivated by the logistics and details of the travel. Growth, belonging, and a big view of God are cultivated by intentionally of blocking off time to spend as a family in a place that isn’t home; by refusing to be afraid of discomfort in the name of togetherness; by not allowing frustration to prevent you and your children for experiencing the glory of God’s creation. In so doing, the icing on the cake is that you are cultivating a culture of vacationing as a family. And perhaps even more significant, you are cultivating the culture of your family.